Intuitive Versus Instrumental Grievers:
There is More than One “Right” Way to Grieve

By Grace Donaldson

One of the most common things I hear from grieving people is some version of: “I feel like I am doing this wrong.” They aren’t crying enough, or they are crying too much. They want to talk about their grief constantly, or they don’t want to talk about it at all. Somewhere along the way many people absorb the idea that there is a “right” way to grieve, and that if their experience doesn’t match it, they must be failing.

The truth is, grief doesn’t come in one shape or form. Two people can experience the same loss and grieve in very different ways. Neither is wrong.

Grief researchers Terry Martin, Ph.D., an Associate Professor of Psychology and Thanatology at Hood College, and Kenneth Doka, Ph.D., a Professor Emeritus in the Graduate School of The College of New Rochelle, describe two broad grief styles: intuitive grieving and instrumental grieving. These styles aren’t about how much someone loved the person who died; they are about how grief is processed and expressed.

Intuitive Grievers: Feeling It Fully

Intuitive grievers tend to experience grief emotionally and outwardly. Feelings come quickly and often intensely. Crying, talking, sharing memories, and expressing pain openly may feel natural and necessary. For intuitive grievers, being able to name emotions and feel understood by others can be an important part of healing.

This style of grieving often matches what society expects grief to look like. Because of that, intuitive grievers are usually recognized and supported more easily. Their grief is visible. At the same time, the intensity of emotion can feel exhausting, and intuitive grievers may feel pressure (from others or themselves) to “get back to normal” before they’re ready.

Instrumental Grievers: Doing and Thinking Through Loss

Instrumental grievers often process grief through action rather than emotion. They may stay busy, focus on tasks, or channel their energy into problem-solving or projects. This might look like organizing paperwork, building something in memory of the person, returning to routines quickly, or taking care of others.

Emotions are still there, but they may be experienced internally, expressed privately, or understood more through thinking than feeling. Instrumental grievers are frequently misunderstood. Since they may cry less or talk less about their grief, others may assume they are “handling it well” or not grieving at all.

In reality, instrumental grieving is not avoidance; it is a different way of making sense of loss.

Most People are Somewhere in Between

While these styles are described separately, many people are blended grievers, moving between intuitive and instrumental ways of coping. Grief can look different depending on the day, the stage of loss, or what feels possible in the moment.

Difficulties often arise when people expect others to grieve the way they do. Differences in grief styles can create misunderstanding, not because anyone is grieving incorrectly, but because they are grieving differently.

Why Understanding Grief Styles Matters

Recognizing grief styles can be deeply validating. It helps people let go of self-judgement and reassures them that their grief makes sense. It can also increase compassion within families, workplaces, and communities.

Supporting someone in grief isn’t about changing how they grieve. It is about responding in ways that fit them. Some people need space to talk and feel, while others need support through action, routine, or presence. One style is not healthier or more meaningful than another. Grief reflects who we are and how we survive loss. Making room for different grief styles allows more people to feel seen and reminds us that grief doesn’t have to look a certain way to feel real.